Bridal shower devotional

Some thoughts I was honored to write up and share for a bridal shower over the summer. (Names have been taken out. Also shared with permission from the guest of honor.)

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Scripturally speaking (among other things) a wife is likened to a garden, a tower, a city, and an army with banners. A glorious creature, created in honor, she is tasked with bringing all her gifts and interests to bear in further beautifying and glorifying the realm she’s been given.

Eve came from Adam’s side – ripped open to give life to his bride – and the Church was formed from the pierced side of her Bridegroom. As wives, we have the privilege of pointing directly to our Lord and Savior by showing forth how the Church responds to her Lord. We get to live out the picture. A faithful wife is the crowning glory of her husband and, in being such, she makes the gospel tangible. This is fertile ground for a lifetime of creativity and faithfulness.

But faithfully picturing the Church is also something that just happens as we focus on Christ. Because we are to imitate the Church only insofar as she herself is conformed to Christ. It’s all – always – about Christ. And because the mutual dance of husband and wife in marriage – of giving and receiving – of loving one another and bestowing glory back and forth – reflects the Trinity itself. This is where we creatures find all meaning and purpose.

Christian marriage is about two sinners – saved by the grace of God in Jesus Christ alone, washed every day in the blood of their Savior – living together in covenant. So each is first and foremost to be living as a faithful Christian. This undergirds all the specific privileges and responsibilities found in the marriage covenant. This isn’t about being absolute perfection beforehand, of having everything about ourselves in an absolutely sinless state for our spouse. It’s about being open to each other, in the trenches, shoulder to shoulder. Serving God together. Growing together.

Foundationally, of course, a husband and wife should worship together, come regularly to the Lord’s Table together, and be in the Bible together. (For our family, it works well for us to listen to it every morning.) Cultivate talking of the things of God together. Not in a pietistic or sanctimonious fashion, but just all the time, in short, easy moments bubbling up in conversation. Practice mentioning God – Jesus – our Savior – around the house. Never in an offhand way. But naturally. His presence is real.

I do have a few (hopefully) very practical little thoughts and ideas for really building unity – closeness and nearness – in marriage, and building a household together. And most of our points here will relate to communication. Because good communication is essential and of first importance.

Cultivate being each other’s primary confidante, continually building your friendship within marriage. (It’s a slight tangent, but something I always keep in mind is the importance of not playing emotional games – withholding things from my husband. As one pastor said, we shouldn’t be a lockbox with a new combination every day for our husband to figure out.)

Difficult situations will come (and we know we’re not to nag or be a drippy faucet), but marriage also involves sharing and bearing one another’s burdens, so bring the hard things (big and small) to your husband. Pray to God always, and then go to your husband with any challenges and struggles and fears and pain. He may not have the answers, but, Lord willing, he’ll be able to help you bear the burden and go before the Lord with you. If our husbands are to shepherd us, washing us in the Word, it helps if they know what’s going on inside us. (And even if we don’t quite know the “why” of why we’re experiencing strong emotions at any given time, we can just let them know there’s a lot going on. Sometimes just articulating that in words helps put things in perspective.)

Likewise, as his queen – his primary counselor – part of your wifely duty will be to provide your husband your best counsel. (So, as women, it’s essential that we’re dwelling in the Word of God, seeking His wisdom and ways, so that we might indeed be a Lady Wisdom to our husbands and children. Not being controlling or manipulative, but providing good, faithful, wise feedback and counsel.)

Deeply difficult situations and miscommunications can most definitely happen in marriage, but for a general, daily attitude (personally) I also find it very helpful to start each day not assuming that my husband will automatically mess up in some way. It’s just an attitude check that helps guard against keeping count of things and fostering any bitterness. (And – it’s cliché – but seriously, keep very, very, VERY short accounts with each other. And don’t go to bed angry.)

I do think we should be careful not to try and reinvent our husbands. A man marries because he does need a helpmeet (i.e. it’s NOT good for him to be alone and he does indeed need a helper), but I think we should be careful about charging forward with trying to change certain (non-sinful) fundamental distinctives that make him who he is. Basically, bachelor dwelling habits do change after marriage – and that’s a good thing – but I just recommend taking the time to be thoughtful on how to go about things. We need to figure out how to honor who our husband is. (And preferences, etc. can change over time, too, so it's not worth breaking fellowship over.) Showing loyalty as well, guarding his reputation when speaking of him to others.

With any disagreements that do arise, it really does help to take time to breathe and wait a few minutes, if at all possible, and really try to separate emotions out of it so as to be very, very objective about what exactly the sticky point is. And also trying to keep it to the issue currently at hand. Otherwise, side issues (which, of course, shouldn’t be easy to recall as we’re not supposed to be holding on to any root of bitterness ;)), but those side issues can get rolled in and everything all gets conflated together, which, obviously, drastically complicates things. Really, really listen to your spouse’s viewpoint so that at least you clearly know what you're disagreeing with. (And it's been said elsewhere, but pretty much deleting ‘always’ and ‘never’ from your vocabulary can be enormously helpful. Another vocabulary adjustment / mental shift is intentionally using ‘we’ and ‘ours’ v. ‘I’ and ‘mine.’)

Again, it’s about loving and serving God, first and foremost, above all, and then serving one another as you serve Him together. This will orient us properly.

You don’t have to have all your personal hobbies or interests in unison, but I’ve observed that having at least one area of interest that you’re both fascinated in is excellent. (Personally, my husband and I love studying history and archaeology together, gardening and working in the kitchen and little mountain adventures.) So shared activities, too. This doesn’t have to be about big, expensive vacations or date nights. Just regular, bite size, sustainable things. Maybe cooking together. Working out together. Taking walks as a family. Finding a place to watch the sunset. Exploring a new place round the block. Or visiting a familiar place through the seasons… It’s about finding something that excites you and leads to ongoing discovery and dialogue.

And (this happens with children as well, and will also happen over time), but I highly recommend purposefully building a shared repertoire of jokes together.

Hold things lightly and be ready for things to not always happen in a picture-perfect way or as expected. Relax. You have lots of threads being woven together as you build your household, forming your new family, so be patient. Trust in God to build your house. Rest in Christ.

On that note, may we all rest in Christ and also run in Christ and His strength and perfection alone, working out what God is working in: Galatians 5:22-25: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.”

Looking to Christ, with our eyes on Christ, I pray we may be tenderhearted as He shapes us – and our marriages – more and more into His own image. He is our good and gracious Lord Who has promised to be with us in all things – in all the ups and downs of life: the intense happinesses – the high mountain tops – and the deep, dark valleys. In war and peace. Joy and sorrow. Life and death.

Romans 8:26-39: “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? …Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

God gives us strength and diligence to walk in His ways. And His very being gives us ultimate meaning and joy in all our labors, for He is the great telos, the end and goal of all things. He has promised to weave together everything that He calls us to in life into a breathtakingly beautiful creation – taking our lives and our marriages from glory to glory.

In conclusion, I'll read Ephesians 3:14-21: “For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”